guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
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I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
#polloftheday
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
I saw nothing
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Beards are a privilege, not a right
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I’m already scared
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.