I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
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We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description