If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
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OH. COME. ON.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no