The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
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Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind