My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
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Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Called it
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.