Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
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not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Ah..makes sense now
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
The options really are this bad
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things