i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
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wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
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Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?