I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
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[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
👾👾👾
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!