I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
You Might Also Like
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
TEETH IS INNOCENT
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
so much to do
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second