aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
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DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
😲 WTF? 😆
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
why would tinder want me to say this
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.