You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
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I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.