[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
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*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no