Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
You Might Also Like
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press