Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
You Might Also Like
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
me opening up to someone