me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
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When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.