[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
You Might Also Like
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
For the baby who has everything
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school