“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
You Might Also Like
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
*Seductively hides in the woods
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
My background check bounced.