If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
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Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Twitter is an abusement park.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.