A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
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My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.