Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
You Might Also Like
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
this is the best day of my life
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
#parenting
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee