“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
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It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no