7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
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I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.