During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
You Might Also Like
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??