Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
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If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
New Tinder profile.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.