Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
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Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
yeah not falling for this one
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
How to properly lift a body
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage