Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
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Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Canadian owl: Eh?
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
is nasa ok
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
You better watch out
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it