wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
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My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*