I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
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i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.