Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
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To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.