Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
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The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
The glockness monster
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]