Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
You Might Also Like
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
why isn’t he texting back
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.