Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
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[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no