One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
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7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!