Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
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Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.