people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
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Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
the simulation is moving too fast
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side