Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
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I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines