INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
You Might Also Like
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.