The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
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You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
i dont have time for this
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…