ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
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ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.