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The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Holy shit he’s back
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No