*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
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I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Monica just destroyed the internet
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
drew a comic about my origin story
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head