Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
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*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.