Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
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Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
For the orator and chef in all of us
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order