“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
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Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Goat cheese is for herders.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore