My blood type is b hungry.
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[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.