Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
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Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Chicken bread
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.