ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
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If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.