Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
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Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws