Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
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Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*