*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
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My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.